I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
