remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
