I am midnight drunk by noon
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I need a burrito and a hug.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Randomize
