paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
