I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
In other news, I just burned my penis
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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