well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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