There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
