Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize