I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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