I puked a lego.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
