Me too!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize