I'm really into asian looking animals
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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