There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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