We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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