I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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