I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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