i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
