Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
