Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize