I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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