the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
