Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
