I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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