you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
