I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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