I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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