I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
