I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just google imaged poop.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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