My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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