I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
