May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
