I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
