Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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