you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
