the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
