walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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