ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
