I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
