i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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