I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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