I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
be right there i have to get my cape
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
