i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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