Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
