We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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