We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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