he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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