i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
