rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You can't special order awesome
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
