dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Randomize
