Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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