Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
