the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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