remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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