Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
