I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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