How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
