Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Randomize
