His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
