When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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