If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
