New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
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