rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
